"A day without laughter is a day wasted" Charlie Chaplin
Saturday, December 2, 2023
Football passion
Mile and Joe been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there." Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years.
If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe sadly passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him.
"Mike... Mike!"
"Who is it?"
"it's me, Joe."
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. Our wives are there too, and young and pretty as ever! And best of all, we can k football all we want, and we never get tired!!"
That's fantastic " says Mike "It's hevond my wildest of dreams.
Mike asks Joe “ tell me now the bad news”
Mike , Joe tells , you are joing our team soon.
Thursday, November 16, 2023
CHINESE FORTUNE TELLER
知识改变命运 (zhī shi gǎi biàn mìng yùn , Knowledge changes fate)
一人去算命，算命先生说：“你20岁恋爱，25岁结婚，30岁生子，一生富贵平安，家庭幸福，晚年无忧。”此人先惊后怒，说：“我今年35岁，博士，光棍，不曾恋爱。”先生闻后，略微沉思后说：“年轻人，知识改变命运啊！”
yī rén qù suàn mìng, suàn mìng xiān shēng shuō : “nǐ èr shí suì liàn ài, èr shí wǔ suì jié hūn, sān shí suì shēng zǐ, yī shēng fù guì píng ān, jiā tíng xìng fú, wǎn nián wú yōu.” cǐ rén xiān jīng hòu nù, shuō : “wǒ jīn nián sān shí wǔ suì, bó shì, guāng gùn, bú céng liàn ài.” xiān shēng wén hòu, luè wēi chén sī hòu shuō : “nián qīng rén, zhī shi gǎi biàn mìng yùn a!”
Translation:
A man went to fortune-telling, and the fortune-teller said, “You are in love at the age of 20, married at 25, and have children at 30. You will be wealthy and safe in your whole life, have a happy family, and worry-free in your old age.” The man was shocked and then angry. He said, “I am 35 years old this year, have a PhD degree, still single, never have a girlfriend before.” After hearing this, the fortune-teller thought over a while and said, “Young man, knowledge changes fate!”
TEETH OUT
TEETH OUT TOO
Two old guys, Fred and Sam went to the movies. A few minutes after it started, Fred heard Sam rustling around and he seemed to be searching on the floor under his seat. "What are you doing?" asked Fred. Sam, a little grumpy by this time, replied "I had a caramel in my mouth and it dropped out. I can't find it." Fred told him to forget it because it would be too dirty by now. "But I've got to", said Sam, "my teeth are in it!"
Source : READER’S DIGEST
Librarian
Library line
In the public library, a man with his new library card questioned the pretty librarian.
“Do you mean to say,” he asked, “that with this card I may take out any book I want?”
“Yes,” she answered.
“And may I take out record albums, too?”
“Yes, you may.”
“May I take you out?” he ventured.
Drawing herself up to her full height, she replied, “The librarians, sir, are for reference only.”
—Justine Valenti, Coronet
READER DIGEST Issue: February 1960
Tuesday, November 14, 2023
Birthday at a luxurious hotel
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A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 60th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice, luxurious hotel.
The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.
“It’s a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren’t worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn’t even have breakfast,” she told the clerk.
The clerk clarified that $250.00 is the standard rate. At that point, the older lady insisted on talking with the manager.
The manager showed up and explained that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use.
“But I didn’t use them,” the old woman said.
“Well, they are here, and you could have,” he replied.
The manager proceeded with that she could likewise have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous.
“We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here,” he said.
“But I didn’t go to any of those shows,” she said.
The manager replied, “Well, we have them, and you could have.”
Regardless of what facility he recommended, the older lady would just answer, “But I didn’t use it!”
The manager then countered with his standard reaction. After several minutes of contending with him, she chose to pay.
The manager was shocked when she gave the check to him.
“But madam, this check is for only $50.00,” he said.
“That is right. I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me,” the old lady replied.
“But I didn’t!” the manager shouted.
“Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”
Source: https://www.jokes.best
Sunday, November 12, 2023
50th Wedding Anniversary
Jokes
r/Jokes
u/SixteenBeatsAOne • 9y
a nice Italian couple ...
At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars.
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'
The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?
Giuseppe proudly replied, "I gonna go picka her up."
Obituary
Mrs Pete Monaghan came into the newspaper office to pay for her husband's death notice. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar per word and he remembered Pete and wasn't it too bad about him passing away.
She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars. So she wrote out the obituary, “Pete died.” The newsman took a look and said he thought old Pete deserved more and he'd give her three more words at no charge.
Mrs Pete Monaghan thanked him and changed it to: “Pete died. Boat for sale”.
Source:Australian writers Centre
Saturday, November 11, 2023
Wednesday, November 8, 2023
Two women in heaven
2 women in heaven...
1st woman: Hi! My name is queenie
2nd woman: Hi! I'm clem. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm an sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you...?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV...
1st woman: So, what happened...?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched,and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died...
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive !!!
Contributor : Xavier pow
Sunday, May 7, 2023
Saturday, May 7, 2022
Russia Ukraine war
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt, I'll explain later.”
The nun agreed. A moment later two military police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”
The nun replied, “He went that way.”
After the military police ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Ukraine.” The nun said, “I understand completely.” The soldier added, “I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!”
The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would"ve seen a great pair of balls. I don't want to go to Ukraine either.
Contributor: IM
Friday, February 4, 2022
Wednesday, December 1, 2021
Thursday, November 25, 2021
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