"A day without laughter is a day wasted" Charlie Chaplin
Saturday, December 2, 2023
Football passion
Mile and Joe been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there." Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years.
If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe sadly passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him.
"Mike... Mike!"
"Who is it?"
"it's me, Joe."
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. Our wives are there too, and young and pretty as ever! And best of all, we can k football all we want, and we never get tired!!"
That's fantastic " says Mike "It's hevond my wildest of dreams.
Mike asks Joe “ tell me now the bad news”
Mike , Joe tells , you are joing our team soon.
Thursday, November 16, 2023
CHINESE FORTUNE TELLER
知识改变命运 (zhī shi gǎi biàn mìng yùn , Knowledge changes fate)
一人去算命，算命先生说：“你20岁恋爱，25岁结婚，30岁生子，一生富贵平安，家庭幸福，晚年无忧。”此人先惊后怒，说：“我今年35岁，博士，光棍，不曾恋爱。”先生闻后，略微沉思后说：“年轻人，知识改变命运啊！”
yī rén qù suàn mìng, suàn mìng xiān shēng shuō : “nǐ èr shí suì liàn ài, èr shí wǔ suì jié hūn, sān shí suì shēng zǐ, yī shēng fù guì píng ān, jiā tíng xìng fú, wǎn nián wú yōu.” cǐ rén xiān jīng hòu nù, shuō : “wǒ jīn nián sān shí wǔ suì, bó shì, guāng gùn, bú céng liàn ài.” xiān shēng wén hòu, luè wēi chén sī hòu shuō : “nián qīng rén, zhī shi gǎi biàn mìng yùn a!”
Translation:
A man went to fortune-telling, and the fortune-teller said, “You are in love at the age of 20, married at 25, and have children at 30. You will be wealthy and safe in your whole life, have a happy family, and worry-free in your old age.” The man was shocked and then angry. He said, “I am 35 years old this year, have a PhD degree, still single, never have a girlfriend before.” After hearing this, the fortune-teller thought over a while and said, “Young man, knowledge changes fate!”
TEETH OUT
TEETH OUT TOO
Two old guys, Fred and Sam went to the movies. A few minutes after it started, Fred heard Sam rustling around and he seemed to be searching on the floor under his seat. "What are you doing?" asked Fred. Sam, a little grumpy by this time, replied "I had a caramel in my mouth and it dropped out. I can't find it." Fred told him to forget it because it would be too dirty by now. "But I've got to", said Sam, "my teeth are in it!"
Source : READER’S DIGEST
Librarian
Library line
In the public library, a man with his new library card questioned the pretty librarian.
“Do you mean to say,” he asked, “that with this card I may take out any book I want?”
“Yes,” she answered.
“And may I take out record albums, too?”
“Yes, you may.”
“May I take you out?” he ventured.
Drawing herself up to her full height, she replied, “The librarians, sir, are for reference only.”
—Justine Valenti, Coronet
READER DIGEST Issue: February 1960
Tuesday, November 14, 2023
Birthday at a luxurious hotel
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A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 60th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice, luxurious hotel.
The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.
“It’s a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren’t worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn’t even have breakfast,” she told the clerk.
The clerk clarified that $250.00 is the standard rate. At that point, the older lady insisted on talking with the manager.
The manager showed up and explained that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use.
“But I didn’t use them,” the old woman said.
“Well, they are here, and you could have,” he replied.
The manager proceeded with that she could likewise have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous.
“We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here,” he said.
“But I didn’t go to any of those shows,” she said.
The manager replied, “Well, we have them, and you could have.”
Regardless of what facility he recommended, the older lady would just answer, “But I didn’t use it!”
The manager then countered with his standard reaction. After several minutes of contending with him, she chose to pay.
The manager was shocked when she gave the check to him.
“But madam, this check is for only $50.00,” he said.
“That is right. I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me,” the old lady replied.
“But I didn’t!” the manager shouted.
“Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”
Source: https://www.jokes.best
Sunday, November 12, 2023
50th Wedding Anniversary
Jokes
r/Jokes
u/SixteenBeatsAOne • 9y
a nice Italian couple ...
At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars.
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'
The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?
Giuseppe proudly replied, "I gonna go picka her up."
Obituary
Mrs Pete Monaghan came into the newspaper office to pay for her husband's death notice. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar per word and he remembered Pete and wasn't it too bad about him passing away.
She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars. So she wrote out the obituary, “Pete died.” The newsman took a look and said he thought old Pete deserved more and he'd give her three more words at no charge.
Mrs Pete Monaghan thanked him and changed it to: “Pete died. Boat for sale”.
Source:Australian writers Centre
Saturday, November 11, 2023
Wednesday, November 8, 2023
Two women in heaven
2 women in heaven...
1st woman: Hi! My name is queenie
2nd woman: Hi! I'm clem. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm an sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you...?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV...
1st woman: So, what happened...?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched,and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died...
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive !!!
Contributor : Xavier pow
Sunday, May 7, 2023
Saturday, May 7, 2022
Russia Ukraine war
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt, I'll explain later.”
The nun agreed. A moment later two military police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”
The nun replied, “He went that way.”
After the military police ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Ukraine.” The nun said, “I understand completely.” The soldier added, “I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!”
The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would"ve seen a great pair of balls. I don't want to go to Ukraine either.
Contributor: IM
Friday, February 4, 2022
Wednesday, December 1, 2021
Thursday, November 25, 2021
Sunday, October 31, 2021
Man stopped by a cop
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state cop behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the cop walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a cop. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the cop
Contributor: LT
Saturday, October 23, 2021
Lost wife
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why?”“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”
Source: parade.com
Truth and Lie
(The world-famous painting- "The Truth coming out of the well" Jean-Léon Gérôme, 1896.)
According to a 19th-century legend, the Truth and the Lie meet one day. The Lie says to the Truth: "It's a marvelous day today"! The Truth looks up to the skies and sighs, for the day was really beautiful. They spend a lot of time together, ultimately arriving beside a well. The Lie tells the Truth: "The water is very nice, let's take a bath together!" The Truth, once again suspicious, tests the water and discovers that it indeed is very nice. They undress and start bathing. Suddenly, the Lie comes out of the water, puts on the clothes of the Truth, and runs away. The furious Truth comes out of the well and runs everywhere to find the Lie and to get her clothes back. The World, seeing the Truth naked, turns its gaze away, with contempt and rage.
The poor Truth returns to the well and disappears forever, hiding therein, its shame. Since then, the Lie travels around the world, dressed as the Truth, satisfying the needs of society, because, the World, in any case, harbors no wish at all to meet the naked Truth.
The world-famous painting- "The Truth coming out of the well" Jean-Léon Gérôme, 1896.
Contributor : LT
Saturday, September 25, 2021
Wedding Vows
Notary asks the man, "(his name), do you take this woman to be your wife, to live together in (holy) matrimony, to love her, to honor her, to comfort her, and to keep her in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, for as long as you both shall live?" ... Woman answers, "I do." Notary states, "Repeat after me."
Thursday, September 16, 2021
Wednesday, August 25, 2021
Tuesday, April 20, 2021
Saturday, March 27, 2021
Tuesday, March 16, 2021
Sunday, March 7, 2021
Seniors’ Lingo
SENIORS LINGO
Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto. They even have their own vocabulary:
BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered by Medicare
FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
Friday, March 5, 2021
Thursday, February 25, 2021
Wednesday, February 24, 2021
Your woes you manage
पति पत्नी में जमकर झगड़ा हुआ। पति दुखी होकर एक सत्संग में चला गया। वापस आया तो पत्नी ने पूछा – कहां गए थे।
पति बोला :- प्रवचन सुनने।पत्नि बोली :- कुछ असर पड़ा या नहीं।
पति कुछ नहीं बोला और अपनी पत्नी को गोद में उठा लिया।
पत्नी शरमाते हुए बोली :- क्या प्रवचन में रोमांस करने के लिए कहा है?
पति (लंबी सांस छोड़ते हुए) :- नहीं, महात्मा जी का कहना है कि अपने दुःख खुद उठाओ!!
Source:jokes11.com
Saturday, February 6, 2021
Tuesday, January 19, 2021
English Vinglish
These four classified ads appeared in a Gujarati newspaper on four Consecutive days. The last three behopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.
MONDAY:
For sale - SK Shah has a sewing machine for sale. Phone 92555-00707 after 7PM and ask for Mrs. Mani who lives with him cheap.
TUESDAY:
Notice: We regret having erred in SK Shah's ad yesterday. It should have read - 'One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 2555-0707 and ask for Mrs. Mani, who lives with him after 7PM.'
WEDNESDAY:
Notice: SK Shah has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the Classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: 'For sale - SK Shah has a sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 92555-00707 after 7PM and ask for Mrs. Mani who loves with him.'
THURSDAY:
Notice: I, SK Shah, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 92555-00707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Mani. Until yesterday, she was my housekeeper but she quit.
Contributor: SK
Tuesday, January 12, 2021
Thursday, January 7, 2021
Wednesday, January 6, 2021
A man goes to heaven
A man dies and goes to heaven when Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates. Peter says, “You need 1000 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all of the good things you’ve done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item. When you reach 1000 points, you get in.” “Okay,” the man says, “I was happily married to the same woman for fifty years and never cheated on her, not even in my mind.” “That’s wonderful,” says Peter, “that’s worth two points!” “Two points?” he says. “Well, I attended church all my life and gave my ten percent tithe faithfully.” “Terrific!” says Peter. “That’s definitely worth a point.” “One point? My goodness! Well, what about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for the homeless?” “Fantastic, that’s good for two more points,” he says. “TWO POINTS!” the man cries. “At this rate the only way I can get into heaven is by the grace of God!” “Now that’s what we’re looking for! Come on in!”
Source: Beliefnet.com
Tuesday, January 5, 2021
Thursday, December 31, 2020
Wishing every one a very happy New Year
Wednesday, December 30, 2020
Urgent need of a bottle
Please pass this message to all your friends and groups..
A person, (Age 67 years) with blood group A1+ve,
Urgently needs 1 bottle
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
of *Black* *Label*
with chicken tikka , papad & salad For New Year's Celebration…!!!😂😂
Contributor:SK
Thursday, December 24, 2020
English vinglish
Keralite passenger is boarding a plane.....
Air hostess smiles in welcome..."Namaste!"
Keralite: "Tatti Vandi!"
Air hostess (shocked): 😳
"What??"
Passesnger: "Tatti Vandi!!"
Air hostess calls flight attendant......
Flight Attendant: "Can I help you, Sir?"
Passenger: "Tatti Vandi!!"
Flight attendant: "Excuse me??"😦
Passenger :"Tatti Vandi"
Flight Attendant opens the door of the toilet in the front of the cabin and waves the passenger inside.....💁♂
Passenger gets annoyed and waves the boarding card at him angrily.😡
Flight attendant looks at the boarding card and bursts out laughing.
😭😂
Controls himself, and says: "Oh, seat 31 D, it is an aisle seat.. This way please!!!"
Playing golf at 92
Arthur is 85 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 20 years ago.
One day, he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it...." he tells his wife, "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad.”
"Oh no!" she replied.
Arthur then tells her, "Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went!"
His wife sympathizes. As they sit down, she has a suggestion: "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."
"That's no good...." sighs Arthur, "George is 92. He can't help."
"He may be 92...." says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.
He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."
"And where did it go?" asks Arthur.
"Can't remember."
Contributor: SK
Monday, December 21, 2020
Sunday, December 20, 2020
Wedding ring on wrong finger
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other replied, “Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.”
Saturday, December 19, 2020
Psychic’s dilemma
*Bomoh Consultancy*
*A man with problems in his family life, decided to go home and consult a Psychic( astrologer) The Psychic told him to come back in two weeks bringing along some sample of sand from his yard.*
*So the man went back after two weeks with the sample of sand.*
*The Psychic performed his rituals and said to the man- I don't know if you can handle hearing this. The man said go ahead. I want to hear it.*
*The Psychic- "Two boys you have are not your sons, your daughter is seeing five different men and your wife is pregnant from your younger brother."
*The man started laughing. The psychic asked him why was he laughing, after all these bad news.
*The man responded, I don't know if you can handle this.
*The psychic said “go ahead.”
*The man said- I was running late and I forgot to bring the sand sample from my yard, so I dug out some from your compound.
*The psychic fainted
😉
Face mask- Carona time
I was in queue at the supermarket when guy in front farted💭 , I got upset but before I could say something, he turned around and said,
*'If you heard that, then you are not keeping your distance'.*🧍🏼⬅️➡️🧍🏼
*If you smelled it, then your face mask isn't helping you at all*
🤣🤣🤣🤣
*Keep Safe Social Distance and also wear a good quality mask.... Take Care....*
Second Opinion
A Doctor and his wife were having a big argument at the breakfast table.
The doctor shouted at her: "You aren't so good in bed either !" ..........and then stormed off to his clinic.
By mid morning he realized his mistake and decided to make amends and telephoned home. His wife took lot of time to pick up the phone....
Doctor: "Why you took so long to answer?"
Wife: "I was in bed."
Doctor: "What were you doing in bed this late ?"
Wife: "Getting a second opinion"
Thursday, December 17, 2020
Friday, December 11, 2020
Wednesday, December 9, 2020
Smart engineer
*Two engineering students* were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole", said one, "But we don't have a ladder."
The woman said, "Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox."
She loosened a few bolts, then laid the pole down. She then took the measuring tape from their toolbox, took the measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches" and walked away.
The second engineer shook his head and laughed and said - *"We needed the height and she gave us the length!"*
Both the engineers are from online classes.
Contributor:SK
Tuesday, December 8, 2020
Three Elderly Sisters
**Three elderly sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, shared a house together. One evening, the 96-year-old sister went upstairs to take a bath. As she put her foot into the tub, she paused. Then she yelled down to the other two sisters and asked, “Was I getting in the tub or out?” “You dern fool,” said the 94-year-old. “I’ll come up and see.” When she got halfway up the stairs she paused. “Was I going up the stairs or down?” The 92-year-old sister was sitting at the kitchen table drinking a cup of tea and thought, “I hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.” She shook her head and called out, “I’ll be up to help you both as soon as I see who’s at the door.”**
Source:
Monday, December 7, 2020
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